Trauma: I will even be pubished for things well outside of my control
Core wound: I am not good enough
I just unearthed another trauma.The dynamics were the same, but the circumstances changed. Being punished for something that went “wrong” without me having any control over it.
I noticed how I was getting all restless and anxious by compounding train delays today, causing connections to be missed. That meant frantically checking a bunch of alternative routes and trains. I travel by train all the time, but it’s only delays in Germany that get me worked up this much.
To a much lesser extent, this also happens in other countries, or when flying with layovers, but it’s especially in Germany that this creates this amount of stress, and consumes all of my emotional and mental capacity.
I was on my way to see someone, and they, shortly before my train was supposed to arrive, told me they’d pick me up from the station since they were still in the area, rather than me taking the bus to theirs, as planned.
The train got delayed by 14 minutes (16.18 instead of 16.04, those exact times are etched in my soul, but I can’t remember when it happened, other than “about 13/14 years ago”). It’s weird how tiny fragments of a memory stay, and others don’t.
When I finally arrived, I got yelled at, in front of a young child.How terribly egoistic and inconsiderate it was of mine to arrive at the train station later than scheduled, because they waited for me in frustration with a tired and nagging toddler in the backseat.
