In thereapy today, we looked at childhood photos of mine to see if any brought up emotions. Reason we did that, was because I had shared before, that as a child, I lost my sparkle gradually, and that I had wanted to find out if I could see the sparkle disappearing in those photos. I was curious to see if my yearly school photos would show that. And an extra reason to do this, was to bring objects from my childhood, to see if any of them gav me certain emotions, or insight. In proecssing trauma, time after time, I hit a brick wall once we got close to my early childhoof, and I’d retreat back to rationalising and extrapolating what I thought must have happened, rather than sitting with it.
That gradual dimming of my spark wasn’t as apparent in photos to them as it was to me, but without knowing my state of mind during those photos, I could pinpoint a few feelings and emotions that gave some insight to my inner workings to my therapist.
One photo in particular stood out to both of us. At first glance this is a very sweet photo, of me asleep on my father’s lap as he watched television. One thing that strikes me about the photo; why did we wear shoes indoors?
When you see this photo, what do you see?
My therapist saw a child, asleep in their father’s arms; a caring and loving photo of a parent with their child. To the untrained eye, absolutely; that is what’s visible in this photo.
I see – and feel – restless despair (in my gesture) and inconvenience (in his).
My tiny fingers holding on to him for dear life, even while asleep. His right hand struck me even more.
If I put myself in his place, and I had my young child on my lap; I’d have my hand around them, on their back; protecting my child, making them feel loved and protectied.
Instead, his hand seems a bit awkwardly draped alongside my body, rather than lovingly holding me. Even more so, because my father will have known that my mother took this photo, feet away. Or even just looking at the camera, or me. Why didn’t you – at least in this photo – showed that you loved me or cared for me?
What I feel and see in this photo is “least inconvenience” for him. It may be my hypervigilance talking, and I had a hard time trying to make my therapist see it. but when they asked me what I felt when seeing this photo; this is what I felt… and saw. I don’t know if it’s accurate or truthful what I saw and felt, but it is what I see in the photo.
